I got this one from one of my many female friends from Luoland. It definitely left me gasping for breath after some excessive laughter. By the way, is there something like excessive laughter?
Anyway, my good friend Akinyi (I choose to withhold her first name for reasons only known to me) gave me this breakdown of how our sisters from the lakeside handle a breakup.
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Apparently, what I didn’t know before our interesting banter was that Luo women from different parts of Luo Nyanza, all take breakups in different ways. Now let me take you through our chit-chat…
When you dump a jaber from Migori, be ready for drama. I was told that she will make a scene that will make you curse the day you first met her.
Akinyi told me that women from Alego in Siaya County have extra power, especially when in a confrontation with a man! She told me that if you happen to dump a girl from this part, she will beat you up and force you to love her again whether you like it or not.
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SEME & KAJULU
I was told that girls from Kajulu or Seme have an extra talent in crying! Is that even a thing? My good friend Akinyi, tells me that when you dump a girl from these two regions of Kisumu county, she will cry all day and all night, until she faints. Then you will have to take her to hospital where she will be admitted, and you will have to love her again!
Beware of women from Ugenya in Siaya county. I was told that they are experts in witchcraft. When you dump one of them, I was told, she will bewitch you and you will wake up the following morning with your bottom on your face! Hilarious! Scary! Unbelievable!!!
Women from Asembo are natural charmers! When you dump an Asembo babe, she will try to make up with you and ask you to kindly give her another chance. She will charm you with all the sweet words and you will definitely take her back either willingly or not.
Gem is a region in Siaya county. Akinyi tells me that girls from Gem love their drink way too much, that if you dump a jaber from there, she will turn her bedroom into a brewery/distillery and drink all sorts of alcohol until she blacks out. Just to forget about you!
NYAKACH & SUBA
Akinyi took me aback the moment she told me that women from Suba (Homa Bay county) and Nyakach in Kisumu county are experts in taking revenge.
“Try to dump a girl from NYAKACH or SUBA and she will sleep around with all your friends as a way to get you off her mind,” Akinyi says.
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You don’t wanna know about Kano girls, she tells me. She tells me that if you dump a girl from Kano today, just give her two weeks and you will be invited to her wedding. LOL!!!
Never dump a girl from Uyoma. But if you have to, be prepared for the consequences. If you dump a woman from this side of Siaya county, just dump her at your own peril. She will tempt your dad, sleep with him and become your step-mother!!
Sasa hii ndio yenyewe sasa! Akinyi tells me that when you dump a girl from Kisumu, she will report you to her brother who is a thug and you will marry her at gun-point, or else, you become an instant past tense!
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SAKWA & YIMBO
I was told that girls from Sakwa and Yimbo, both in Siaya county, are the most wicked you will ever find. Dump a girl from those two places and she will sleep with your grandfather and become your other grandmother! Ha-ha-ha!!
I was fascinated when Akinyi insinuated that girls from Karachuonyo in Homa Bay county like committing suicide. So, how does a girl from there behave the moment it dawns on her that she’s been dumped? She will cry uncontrollably, then kujinyonga pap!!!